Life

[DarkAuron]

Many of you ask "When's Tankies going to be finished?" and "What's wrong, why are you so sad all the time?" Well, I suppose it's time I told you all in a single post. Please note that I'm not posting about this to get attention, I'm just simply tired of having to explain this over and over again. It makes me feel worse.

First off if you don't already know (I'm appalled if you don't yet!.. kidding), I'm gay. Which really isn't as big of a deal as I thought it would be, especially considering where I live, but the only problem is that I don't know anyone else that is, so I'm rather alone when it comes to relationships.

I've been depressed for the past 5 or so months, but I first began to be depressed about 5 years ago. I spent a year without feeling down but chronically I've been depressed for over 5 years. And I'm not even considered an adult yet. Sucks, right?

But why am I depressed? Bad home? Yep. Problems with people at school? Yep. Bad grades? Yep. Low self-esteem? Oh most definitely. But the past 5 months havn't been because of those things. It's because of someone who I once considered my best friend. Not just my best friend, because I've had best friends before him, but THE best friend that I ever had.. or thought I did.

Drew is an interesting guy. Christian, acts like he knows a lot of things when he doesn't, rarely makes decent grades in school, and really likes videogames but dosen't really show talent in anything except drumming for band. Okay, so maybe he doesn't sound that interesting. But he's generally fun to be around. I don't even know how to describe it, just think of a good friend you have, and there you go.

Back 3 years ago we had a class together. We were just friends back then, so there wasn't anything too significant about him. Except that he was the only friend I had in all 8 of my classes throughout the entire year. Yeah, that year sucked. I was very alone.

During that year he kept pressuring me into going to church and said if I didn't believe in god that I would go to hell and suffer the rest of the afterlife. Honestly I'm agnostic so I didn't give a damn about what he said to me, all it did was piss me off and steer me away from him as a friend. Near the end of the school year he stopped bugging me, and that was that.

Then we started highschool. No classes together but he wanted to meet me in the halls between classes, so we did. At some point he gave a deep apology for harassing me in jr. high, and said he'd respect me for my beliefs. See, he was a nice guy. Just a bit confused and off about some things until he learns from his mistakes (which he tends to make a lot of, which you'll learn as you read on). Since we didn't have any classes together our friendship was a bit loose and we never talked outside of school. The year went on, and I enjoyed my time making new friends and strengthening friendships with old ones.

Then our Sophomore (10th) year started, which was last school year. I suppose you can say that's my revolutionary year, because.. well.. where to begin. I made friends with this goth chick named Bonnie. Oh great, an emo person that hates everything in life, right? Wrong. Most open-minded, almost crazy person I've ever made. Always cheery, does crazy stuff that few people would ever consider doing, and not caring about anything. She's great. I still talk to her, even though she moved to another part of the state.

Anyways, I was pressured into going out with her. You know, being in a relationship with her, kissing, hugging, making out, buying gifts, taking care of, loving, etc. Well, I didn't have feelings for her. I mean, I like her as a person and love her as a friend, but.. that's all. My friend Josh and I kept telling each other to go out with her instead of competing for her; I have weird friends. Eventually she and Josh fell in love, bonded into the best relationship I've ever seen between two people, and even though she's about 300 miles from here they're still together. Quite amazing really.

Since she's the most open-minded person I've met in my life, I had the urge to reveal to someone, anyone, that I'm not straight. And I finally told her. She's the first person that I've met in-person who I really am. And within a week I told Josh, her boyfriend. But I told both of them over AIM, not in-person. So it didn't count quite as much. Thus began my revolution..

A short time later, like a month or two after telling Bonnie and Josh, I told Drew at school during class that theres something I wanted to tell him but I wasn't sure if I should. We had an English class together, and again sat next to each other. By this time we had started going to each other's houses, but only a few times. Well, it turned out that day he wanted to go to my house. To get there we had to walk since my bus driver won't let outsiders ride the bus. Unfortunate.

The walk to my house, with the shortcut across a creek, is about 1.98 miles according to Google Earth. About 1.5 miles to my house, after him begging and saying "it's okay, you can tell me. Just tell me!" etc.. I finally said "Well, I'm not straight." I kept walking, but he stopped in his tracks and gave me a look like someone just died. Since he stopped walking, I stopped too after realizing he wasn't going to keep walking. I resumed by saying "But I'm not gay."

Wait. Stop right there. Didn't I just say at the beginning of this post that I'm gay? Well, I am. But back then I didn't think I was, I thought I was bi. I thought I still had feelings for a girl I was pressured into 'liking' back in Jr. High. In the end though she's just a really good friend.

So, after telling him that extra part, he gave a scrunched up confused look on his face, which led me to say "I'm bi." Within 2 seconds he immediately asked in a somewhat angry tone, "Why?". I didn't have an answer for that. I just *was*. We spent the rest of the walk to my house arguing over being straight/bi/gay is a choice or not, why I am, stuff like that. By the time we reached my street he said he'd be okay with it, but added that if I ever hit on him, he'd kill me. I said not to worry about it. He also added that he wouldn't tell his parents about me because if he did, that we probably wouldn't be allowed to be friends anymore. Back then I didn't have an interest in any of my friends except the guy I considered my best friend at the time, Eric, who I had known and been best friends with since 5th grade.

Anyhow, we got to my house, played games, messed with my dogs, stuff we normally did at my house. It wasn't mentioned about me being bi for awhile. Every now and then, usually when we went to his house on his bus he'd crack a joke about me being bi and figured I'd be okay with it. And I was. I didn't find them that funny but his jokes didn't offend me any so it was okay.

Well, about going to his house.. and also during our english class.. he'd mouth out and say "I love you" to me. It was a joke I guess. I played along with it like a game. We kept doing this.. for months. I didn't really ever think of it though, not much anyways. I think it kinda got old around january or february though.

Still reading? It may sound a bit boring, describing my life of the past few years, but I'm building on to the story so things make more sense, and to do charater development in a story-like way. And also to show that he wasn't also evil toward me. Yeah.. you'll soon see.

Sometime around february or march I started to develop feelings for him. I started to 'notice' him. You know, have a physical attraction toward him, think about him a lot, but.. since he seemed to be pretty straight and said he'd kill me if I ever hit on him, I buried those feelings. To the point of not really caring about them.

Unfortunately a day in May, on a Friday, occurred. Sometime in the middle of the month. Something quite unexpected happened. Things I still question to this day. Imagine this: a 250gb harddrive, 256mb of RAM, windows XP, on-board video, and a 166mhz cpu. Ouch. Try playing a new game on that, it'll play extremely slow. And the CSI game that he wanted to show me took minutes to load each section. What he did during those minutes I'm not sure if I should quote on MaxCoderz, because they're a bit more.. out there. He didn't 'do' anything persay, but he said a bunch of suggestive things that I don't think any sober, homophobic straight guy would consider saying. In other words, he heavily hit on me within minutes. I didn't know what to do so I shrugged it off and tried to ignore him, saying "uh, sure drew, whatever..". Nothing happened, but it burned into my mind. I can still see it as if it happened yesterday.

Around this time I was writing things in a journal. I guess if you want you could call it a diary but it's not really, just a thing where I record what happens in my life and how I feel about things, with dated entries, but I don't talk to my journal, I just state stuff. It's something a lot of people should try out because it does usually help.

Well, he was going through some kind of odd depression. And he wouldn't tell me. He wanted to read my journal but I wouldn't let him. Until we agreed to a trade. And he read my journal.. however he didn't respond to it very well. He seemed a bit freaked out, didn't want to act 'gay' around me anymore because it sounded disgusting to him, and said he was just joking around, that he's done it to other friends as well (why is that supposed to convince me?). I still think that's bullcrap but.. eh.

Through the entire year we planned to go to some fast food place and have lunch after school on the last day of school. And we did. We walked to Jack in the Box, sat down and ate there, talked about random stuff, and practically looked like a couple. We were the only 'pair' of people in there; lots of groups of guys in the place but we were the only pair, and my best friend Eric (whom I didn't consider my best friend anymore because I hadn't been spending time with him and Drew and I became best friends.. really.. really good friends) was also there, saw us, and I found out later that Eric thought we were going out. Cute.

Summer had started. Drew and I ended up going to Six Flags and had one of the most memorable, fun days I've experienced in my life. We rode all the rides that we could, several times each, had good food, and ran out of money. We didn't try any of the games or anything like that, we couldn't afford it. But we did have a lot of fun. An odd moment occurred though. Theres a looney tunes water ride that's really slow, you never get wet, and it's more of a little kid ride. Drew wanted to ride it because he remembered it being fun when he was younger. I knew was it was like because I rode it with my parents a few years before, and said it'd be too lame to ride. Well, we rode it.. and we were the only ones on that train. Again, I felt like we were being a couple, and it kind of embarassed me. But it also strengthened my feelings toward him. And during some of the rides while we waited in line, I swear he was looking at guys. He still denies that.

A short while after that day at six flags I wrote him a letter that was a few pages long. I think 3-4 pages actually. I wrote it listing a bunch of things that made me think he might be gay, like the incident in May and what I thought happened at six flags along with a few other things. I didn't get to talk to him for about a month or two because he had band camp, and the letter ticked him off. Eventually he called me and we talked about a lot of stuff, spent an hour on the phone with him mostly asking me questions from his videogame magazine, and then he finally brought up the letter. We talked about that, resolved it, went on with our lives.

Junior year started. Or rather, right before it started he got his driver's license. And he wanted to drive around places to show off his driving skills in his truck that his dad gave him. I guess it was fun. Anyhow, the school year started, and Drew said he'd drive me home once he started driving; he did. Every day from school, he drove me home. It was fun. He came over to my house a lot more often, and I went to his house a lot more often. Life was really fun. And in less than a month after school started I realized I fell in love with him. Feeling like was pretty new to me.

What is love? I've figured that's it's where you care about someone. Where you don't want them to be hurt, where you want to always protect them, to take their pains away for them. You want to be around them always. You miss them when they're gone. Stuff like that. That's how I felt about Drew, and in a way I still feel that way. However, I regret ever having feelings for him..

I eventually got the guts to tell him that I had fallen in love with him. I told him over the phone, and I had to slam my fist down on my desk as I said it because I was so afraid of telling him. He was shocked. Kept saying "Wow..." over and over again. And things became a little shakey and unfriendly between us for about a week. But we somewhat got over it.

A week or two later after I admitted that to him, he tried to blackmail me. Our dogs chewed up some stuff in the backyard *really* bad. Everytime they did something like that, my step-dad would get really pissed off and scream at them. What they did freaked me out, I didn't want to be home when my dad got home, so I called up Drew and asked if I could come over. He said I couldn't because he was going to have family over, and suggested that we go to our friend Wesley's house. Well.. a couple of days before that, something happened that I told Wesley and it made me uneasy being around Wesley, so I didn't want to go. Drew wanted to know why, and I wouldn't tell him. He kept trying to get me to tell him and I said "no, I don't want to talk about it."

Well, he threatened to never drive me home again if I didn't tell him. Over something insignificant. That pissed me off. I said "Oh, so if I don't tell you, you're not going to drive me home anymore?" And he said "Yeah, I won't." I responded by saying "Okay. Fine, don't drive me home anymore." He asked "Okay then." so I finally left "But you know that's just RUDE" and hung up on him. He tried calling back, twice. Left messages both times, saying that was sorry in a not-so-sorry tone. Since I figured he'd tried a third time, I got on the internet so he couldn't call me, since I'm on dialup. That blackmailing night was on a Sunday.

This school year we have Biology together. And we sat fairly close together. But I avoided him the day we had class together on either Monday or Tuesday. Ignored him, didn't respond when he tried to talk to me.. just plain avoided him. On Tuesday I called him to tell him what a selfish asshole he was. Instead of him picking up the phone though, his dad picked up. I told his dad "Tell your son that he lost his best friend because he wants to be selfish." Yes, that's a direct quote. I have good memories when it comes to significant statements like those.

About two minutes later, he called. I decided to pick it up. It took me about 5-10 minutes to explain what exactly he did. I said that he used our friendship to get information out of me through disrespect, aka blackmail and betrayal. He spent about another 10-15 minutes going on and on about what an idiotic asshole he was, tried to explain that he was angry at me for blocking his calls and ignoring him, that he didn't know why I was so angry. In other words, he was being an idiot. But we all have those moments, right? Eventually I started to slowly forgive him as we talked, but I told him that I didn't love him anymore. Later I found out that I was wrong, that love doesn't die so easily, if at all.

He then began to reveal to me that lately he had been suicidal, extremely depressed over never having had had a girlfriend before and always having trouble making passing grades in school. Doesn't sound like much really, but he can be a sensitive guy sometimes. I supported him, tried to cheer him up, and eventually he got over his depression. In the process though, I myself got depressed over various things. I found myself incapable of learning anything in my pre-calculus class, I was outcast (and still am) in our computer science group for our lego robotics competition, and I began to feel poor and unwanted in my life. Probably some other things I can't think of right now.

To add to it, my birthday came. Theres a little curse about my birthday. Never in my entire life have I ever spent any time outside of school with any friends on my birthday. It's always been just me and my mom. That's it. My birthday was on a Tuesday in 2005. How coincidental is it that Drew started having band sectionals starting on my birthday, for every Tuesday the rest of the semester? I was very, very depressed that day. I think it may have been the worst birthday I had ever had. I had hoped that maybe for once my birthday curse could be broken for once, that I could be with my best friend, the guy that I loved. And really, I didn't want any presents at all. I just wanted to be around Drew. But that didn't happen.

A few days later Drew wanted to know why I was so depressed; I didn't want to admit it but since we generally kept an open relationship (friendship really, but sometimes I wonder if we were more than just friends), I told him. He freaked out thinking that I 'wanted' him, that I wanted a relationship or something to 'happen' between us on my birthday. That's not what I meant. I just wanted to be around him as a friend on my birthday, and not even that could happen. I had to ride the bus home on my birthday when I normally got a ride home with Drew. And I hated myself for wanting something like that.

Life went on. My life continually dwindled. I can't exactly remember what happened between some events, but as I became depressed, I started to sound suicidal to my friends. Drew became especially worried as we talked on the phone on a tuesday night. He didn't want me to get off the phone until he knew I wouldn't go do something stupid afterward, and told me that I was going to go to school the next day, and that he was going to tell my counselor about me so she could help me. I rebelled but eventually I had to deal with it.

That wednesday I went to school heavily depressed still, and went to my history class. We had a test, and during the middle of the test I got a pass to go to my counselor 'when convenient'. My teacher said I could go once I finished my test. And I did. I was really nervous. Once I got there, she told me to sit down and closed the door. We began talking. She said a friend of mine came in and told her that he thought I was going to kill myself. I told her that it wasn't true, but that I was very depressed. I started talking about my house, the problems I've had in my classes, a few other things that I could tell most people without being too revealing. We talked about some things that could help me out, she tried to work out some things with some of my teachers, I started to get a bit better.

That session was almost 2 hours. I ended up skipping the rest of my history class and missed half of my biology class. When I came into my biology class, a bunch of girls cheered saying "Yay, Michael is back!" and clapped. Freaks. I sit at the front of the class so I didn't have to worry about walking past them or anything. Drew also sits at the front of the class, and he looked at me in a concerned look, asked me if I was okay several times, and I said I was doing better. At lunch or after school, I don't remember which, I told him what she and I had talked about. He was glad that I was resolving some things. He really did care about me then.

A week later, again on a Tuesday, we talked on the phone and I started getting really depressed about things and sounded suicidal again. He wanted me to go to my counselor again, and he made me promise to always go to school unless I'm sick. Always. It took a lot but I finally did promise him. When I got to school on Wednesday morning, my friend Wesley was there. Yes, another mention of Wesley. He's another terrific friend of mine, but I wouldn't quite consider him a best friend.. just one of the best. The odd part is that Wesley usually gets a ride to school with Josh, and doesn't get there until later. Turns out that Wesley came to school an hour early, walked up to school, to make sure I was there, and to help me out because he was concerned. Damn I have good friends.

We tried to go to my counselor but she wasn't there. I almost was late to my computer science class because I waited so long. I tried again after my APCS class, and she was there. We talked. I started off by telling her that I'm gay, explained the whole situation between Drew, and went from there. She explained some things and was reassurring, that life would be more open and accepting after highschool, and to not worry about it so much for now. She also said that from what I told her, Drew sounded as if he was closeted, and that I shouldn't push him. Yep, she's a good counselor.

I missed almost all of my Latin class because of that, and my teacher asked "You were at your COUNSELOR that whole time? What FOR?" and I said "uh.. I've got some problems, that's why" and she said "oh.. I'm sorry". Bleh, my latin teacher gets angry easily. (Like yesterday.. geeze..)

Again, I told Drew what my counselor and I talked about, over the phone. But he was infuriated that we talked about him. He started yelling at me, saying that I was a liar that, when he asked if I still thought he's gay, I'd say no. That he couldn't believe that I still think that. He stayed angry with me for quite some time.

We grew apart. I avoided the idea of him driving me home, and I either walked home or took the bus. Eventually we tried to work things out, but we decided that we needed space from each other. At one point I tried to get him to go to my counselor with me, but he refused. He said she thought he had problems "when I DON'T" (quoting him), and he said that he was already seeing a counselor anyways. I asked if it had to do with me and he said it didn't, that it was because of grades. I figured he was lying. Especially since he said that everything between us was completely my fault. So after school, I waited at his truck and asked him what he was afraid of. He said he wasn't afraid of anything. He said that it was all my problem and had nothing to do with him. Asshole. I said to him, while walking away, that he must have never cared about me and that he's just a goddamn liar.

What did he do? He started following me with his truck. I kept trying to avoid him, kept trying to trick him into going into a direction and then going another so that he would have to turn around. But he still followed. He said that he would go to my counselor then, that I should just name a time. I felt like he was only saying that not because he actually meant it but so that I wouldn't be so upset. I hated him for that. I ignored his pleas, and he eventually gave up and drove home. On that walk home, I cried the entire time. A week before that he wrote a note saying that he would never stop trying to help me, and wanted me to keep that note so I wouldn't forget. But he lied, and never kept that promise.

We tried working out things over the next week or two, possibly three.. I don't remember quite so well. He was still angry at me for thinking he's gay. We worked out things over a note, saying that we should give each other space but start over. However he suggested to go see a movie with Wesley. Goblet of Fire, on opening day. It sounded like a fun idea, and he was going to drive me there. So he drove me home that day. What he did on the drive to me house though I still hate him for. That entire ride, he bombed me with countless questions of "Why do you think I'm gay?! Why are you doing this to me?!" out of nowhere. I refused to answer. I sat there and said nothing, didn't look at him, and tried not to cry. I knew that anything I would say wouldn't be enough for him, that he wouldn't believe anything I said. So I said nothing. As I started to get out, he said "You know what, you're just a lost cause."

Wow. Again, I still hate him for that. That put me in immediate rage and I started throwing out my things from the truck to get them out, told him that he's the lost cause and that he's just plain fucked up, then slammed the door and he immediately sped off, creating a lot of noise (probably from slamming on the gas). I went inside and ignore whatever my parents said, then went into my room. I got on the internet, did some things, told people what happened, listened to some music, and literally shook in rage. Half an hour later Josh and Wesley were at my door wanting to pick me up to see the movie, which suprised me. It took about 20 minutes of convincing to get me to go. That day was extremely fun being with them, and was one of the best days I had ever had in months.

A week or so later I typed out Drew a very, very long letter explaining what he's been doing to me, and to explain why I constantly I was led to 'know' that he's gay. And if you'd like to read the letter, you can read it here. Just note that the letter has some of those MC-inappropriate things in it, so beware. I warned you. They're not THAT bad but uh.. I'd still rather not post them in here.

Around that time I came out to my sister and then my mother. Things worked out well. I started getting a lot better, and life was fairly good for me through christmas break. But I got really depressed again just before going back to school. I talked to Drew on the phone and we decided we can't be best friends anymore, just friends, and that he no longer trusts me.. that he hasn't because he had been holding a grudge against me for loving him and then 'not loving' him after the blackmail incident, then still loving him again. It's because I made a mistake in knowing my own feelings. I was blinded from rage. But he chose to not understand that.

He had become (and probably still is) paranoid about people thinking we were a couple, even though back in September or October I was worried about that and he said he'd stick up for me if it would help me get better (as in not depressed). Even though I came out to 11 people in a week (last week actually), he didn't care. All he cared about is if people would think of us. And some people have.

A few things to add: just before christmas break began, he revealed to me that he wasn't only seeing his counselor just because of his grades, he's seeing one also because his mom is concerned about me having feelings for him. But wait, how does she know? Oh yes.. he also reveals to me that the day I told him that I was bi, he told his mom, despite saying he wasn't going to tell his parents. Boy did that piss me off..

Damn, forgot what else I was going to say. Well anyways, he's been a liar, a traitor, and self-absorbed. So what I did is write him a 2 page letter last week, explaining how he's been behaving, and that I never want to talk to him again since I can never talk to him anymore, that he's too self-absorbed to care about what I talk about anymore unless it has anything to do with him. And I havn't spoken a word or even looked at him again. On Monday I shared some journal entries of mine with him that I've lately written (he still has my real journal, hasn't returned it yet because I let him borrow it over the christmas break so he could read the 30 or so pages that I wrote), and after reading them he cried. I still have not talked to him. All I did was push my journal over to him during class and let him read it, then he pushed it back.

Lately though I've felt suicidal. Mostly because I don't want to make a decision: keep my friendship with him and possibly destroy myself in the process, or lose him forever. Unfortunately I think I may have made that decision already by blocking him out completely. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Drew is not the only reason I'm depressed. The fact that I'm gay means I'm quite different from everyone else, but that doesn't bother me so much anymore. It's just that other gay people will be closeted for a long time, meaning I will have immense trouble just *meeting* someone else who is gay, so I'll be quite alone when it comes to relationships. No one, not male or female, has ever admitted to ever having any interest in me. No one has ever had a crush on me at all. I don't know anyone else that's stuck in that situation. At least 4 girls have had a crush on Drew, 2 girls (as well as myself, but no one knows that) have had a crush on Wesley, Josh is in a relationship, and ALL of my other friends are relationships or have been before. Me? Nothing.

Up until 4th grade none of my friends lived near me because I went to a school far away from my house, over at my grandmother's and couldn't go to their houses. The friends I made in my later elementary days, I made bad friends because I was desperate to make friends at all. The few friends I had around here moved by the time jr. high started, and the friends I made there live too far away from my house to walk to. Same with highschool. I can't drive anywhere because I don't have a license. I don't have a license because my parents aren't willing to help me get one. They'd make me pay for whatever costs involved. And even if I did have a license, they won't pay for gas or insurance either, meaning I'd have to walk to work before I could afford to use my car (which my parents will give me once I start driving). But, I can't get a job because 1. I'm a teenager 2. I have no work experience/history 3. Where I live, employers are extremely racist. Don't believe me? Come visit Grand Prairie, you'll see blacks and hispanics in just about every store and restaraunt, I promise.

So, I have no money. My parents don't give me opportunities to make money at all except mow the yard, which is impossible now. If you've watched the news in the past month, you'd know that Texas is under severe drought, so all grass is dead or even burnt. So, no money for me. Anytime I ever want to go eat stuff with friends or go see a movie, someone always has to pay for me. It makes me feel bad that I basically have to use someone to enjoy those times with friends. I feel obligated to pay them back somehow, when I never can. It makes me feel poor.

And speaking of poor, Christmas for other people made me feel poor. I got a few dvds, a few books, and pixelblocks plus a couple of other very small cheap things. What did other people get? Let's see.. one friend of mine finally got a PS2 plus about 10 games for it and a bunch of other things, Josh got an xbox 360 and a game for it, Wesley got a totally new computer that's better than mine (3200+ cpu, 1gb RAM, 256mb 6600 vidcard, new mobo, new case), Drew got a PSP, some movies, some games, my friend Ian got a $300 digital camera and a 17" flatscreen moniter, someone on IRC got $300+ in gift cards, Eric got over $400 in cash, ... ... ... I could go on and on. So either lots of people are just really rich, or I'm extremely poor and live in a poor family. Either way I still feel poor. At the same time I feel selfish for thinking that because I know there are people out there that get nothing. Thus inner conflict for me begins, and I get depressed.

So let's go back to the idea of being alone. I ride the bus with no friends, to school and back home. I got to classes by myself, not talking with anyone, because there are simply no friends in any of my paths to my classes. Most lunches I don't talk to anyone or sit near anyone, I just sit alone because often I feel like I should be alone. Even when I'm around people I don't talk much at all, I just listen and nod. Even with friends. I often feel like the only point of me being alive is to be alone. That's how I feel every single day of my life. I almost never contribuate to any conversation that goes on. I'm not interesting enough to say anything. The only 'interesting' aspects of me is my ability to do programming, solve a rubik's cube, pixel art, and the periods of time when I feel like doing origami. But those are just hobbies, they're nothing major. They're nothing I'd talk about with people in real life. So thus, I have no social existance. It's no wonder no one has an interest in me, they have no reason to be. And I think about that every single day of my life. It hurts. But what am I supposed to do, change who I am? That doesn't really work. I guess the only real interesting part about me at all, and why I have friends at all, is my ability to understand and listen to others, and what few interests I have in things on this world. Other than that I might as well not exist. I'm often like a ghost. People don't notice me. APs (assistant principals) at my school NEVER look at me, even if I'm not wearing my ID and they constantly bug people to put on their IDs.. they never look at or talk to me. Sometimes my teachers think I'm absent because I never talk and don't see to actually be there. I'm unnoticeable. And in my computer science class, my abilities are ignored. In the group I'm in, Austen is the 'known' programmer, he did well before in the earlier years, and he's more known to people; even though I'm a better programmer they won't let me do anything in the project.. any suggestions I have, they say wouldn't work. They don't care if the idea is good or not. So my opinions and skills mean absolutely nothing in that class. Which is why I no longer do ANYTHING at all in there.

So that's Drew, and school. Then theres home. Imagine this: growing up as a child with a destructive step father that 'explodes' and puts holes in the walls, breaks glass, takes down doors, etc. My middle sister moved out after he destroyed all her trophies and smashed open her tv. When my mom had her major car accident where she got hit from the side and her car flipped and rolled over several times, wrecking it and almost causing it to explode since the back axel almost stabbed through the gas tank, on a rainy day, all he did was tell her that she wanted that to happen and that all she ever does is ruin things and waste the car, that she never wanted the car and that she was being a 'stupid bitch'.

But theres more. He constantly blames her for everything, he exaggerates and gets extremely pissed off anytime she does *anything* wrong, especially accidental things. I've never seen him kiss her or hug her or ever tell her that he loves her. He never likes basically any kind of food, he always expects her to know what to get from the grocery store, and never liked what she cooked, so she's given up to the point where we never eat anything from home; they always get fast food or something. Which we all know is very unhealthy. The house is a complete mess. Theres trash all over the sides of the rooms, boxes full of random crap, unfinished 'remodeling' of the house that he started years ago and never finished, holes in the walls, the back door's window is cracked all the way through, and the yard always looks like a mess. It's a complete embrassment of a house, and I hate having friends over. It's why I wanted to extremely clean my room so I wouldn't feel so trashy.

So as for my depression.. I've lost interest in all of my hobbies. I have no motivation to do any programming of any kind, I havn't done any origami in almost a year, I don't care about my rubik's cube anymore, and I don't have the will to do any kind of art, not even pixel art.

In computer science, I do nothing. Latin, I do nothng and don't study for it because I have no will to do so. In English, I do work mindlessly, and the same for Webmastering. In History, I also mindlessly do the work, never take notes, and take grades as they come. Biology is far too easy for me to care about paying attention, so I don't do much in there except the work and quizes and tests. In Art, I barely do anything at all because I can't get myself to be creative, and in Pre-Calculus I don't know how to do anything in there, so I do nothing, even on the tests.

When I get home from school, I either get on IRC, watch people talk and make a few comments here and there and try to exist in this world, or I go to bed. That's it really. I barely ever even see my parents because I hide out in my room all the time. My friends live too far away to visit them, and I never do anything when I'm at a friend's house anymore anyways. It's all so pointless. I don't enjoy anything in life anymore. Not even food. I don't enjoy videogames anymore, they bore more. So why would I try to program one? That's not fun to me now.

My parents aren't going to support me in driving or getting a job or even paying for college. They can't pay for that because they choose to pay for things like dvds and old collectible action figures off of ebay for $400 apiece, then when they're extremely sick like my step-dad is right now, they can't afford to see a doctor, so they stay sick, get worse, and have to deal with that, then waste their lives watching dvds all day every day when they're not at work. It sickens me. And they didn't take my dying dog to the vet when she needed help, they let her practically rot for months; she got an infected eye, became blind, started losing weight and stopped eating, then ate a hole in her stomach and bled to death as her intestines came out in front of my own eyes, and they didn't care. But they cared more about a damn little puppy that had the mind of a retard and they couldn't take care of it; it died in the summe afterwards. If someone told me that my parents cared about me or anything part in my life, I would say that they're lying.

So in the end, my parents don't really care about me. Drew betrayed me over and over again, lied about caring about me, and I trusted him more than I ever trusted anyone. I don't feel like I can fall in love with anyone ever again, or ever trust anyone again, because I've found that I never will understand people until it's too late. And while some of my friends may care about me, I'm afraid of accepting their care because of what Drew did; besides, it's not like anyone can help me anyways. I live my days wondering how I can even stand continuing this life, why I'm still alive, why I bother at all. We're all going to die eventually, anyways. I juts don't see a point in life anymore, and I honestly don't know what's still holding me in this world.

I don't want pity. I don't care if anyone cares about me. I'm just sick of having to explain everything over and over again. This is my life. This is what I've been going through. I know some of you are going to be harsh to me because you think you understand more than you do, and want to assume that I'm just a foolish person demanding attention, but I'm not. I guess I really am a lost cause now. But it doesn't matter. Some of you may freak out from this post, and really care about me. But don't bother.

If I seem to suddenly disappear for a few months and never be seen by anyone, it's probably because I'll be gone. Theres very little holding me here, and it's not going to last much longer. I just want you all to know that it's no one's fault in this community or any other TI community that I am the way I am. I've had conflicts and problems, but I've gotten over them. And no matter what I will always love you guys.

[blueskies]

well, i got about 10 paragraphs in before I noticed how small my scroll bar was. sorry man it's too late to read all that now.

[dysfunction]

I read most of it. I'm sorry man that there's not much I can do for you, but my feelings go out to you. Please, let there be only words of encouragement posted here, and no homophobia.

[Ryuuie]

well, i got about 10 paragraphs in before I noticed how small my scroll bar was. sorry man it's too late to read all that now.

Wow. Just wow. He pours his heart out, tells his sexuality to the internet (which, in this country can be deadly), and explains a lot of problems he's having, and you decide not to read his post because it's "too long".

How inconsiderate and selfish. Don't you realize that you're the type of person that he has to encounter every day and that's what's bringing him down? No, you don't. Because you're too lazy to read the post.

I know Auron from IRC and from AIM. I'm really worried about him and I don't want him to do anything foolish. I joined here because I want to be here in case he posts here again.

Also, I joined to say that I'm very disappointed in this "blueskies" person.

Auron, if you read this, IM me on AIM please.

[Timendus]

What?! You're GAY?!

Sorry, just kidding I know a few bisexuals, one of them I concider to be one of my best friends. I'm really sorry to read that it's such a big deal to you, and that it's given you this much grief. It's hard to understand that so many people make such a fuss out of it. Your councellor is right though; once you leave highschool behind people will get more tolerating. I think that's worth giving a try. Don't forget; you can only end your life once.

What shocked me more was how you described your house and your family. You'd likely have been put in a foster-family by social services if you had lived in the Netherlands

If I were you I'd try to finish highschool as soon as possible and move out, get a job (designing pays well), a place, some more education, and above all: your self-esteem back. I can tell you from experience that self-esteem comes from independance and creativity, and in that order.

I find it really brave that you have posted all this. I actually read it all Good luck with everything, don't let them get you down (any further) and sit through these few years of shit. There's better things to come.

[dysfunction]

Welcome to the forum, Ryuuie, but I think you misunderstood blueskies. Did you miss the "sorry man it's too late to read all that now" part?

[kv83]

well, i got about 10 paragraphs in before I noticed how small my scroll bar was. sorry man it's too late to read all that now.

Wow. Just wow. He pours his heart out, tells his sexuality to the internet (which, in this country can be deadly), and explains a lot of problems he's having, and you decide not to read his post because it's "too long".

How inconsiderate and selfish. Don't you realize that you're the type of person that he has to encounter every day and that's what's bringing him down? No, you don't. Because you're too lazy to read the post.

I know Auron from IRC and from AIM. I'm really worried about him and I don't want him to do anything foolish. I joined here because I want to be here in case he posts here again.

Also, I joined to say that I'm very disappointed in this "blueskies" person.

Auron, if you read this, IM me on AIM please.

Oh man, come on. We are living in different timezone's here, and not everyone can read the whole story (which takes up about 1~2 hours). It's not selfish at all. What's selfish about not reading such a long post? What does DA help it that blueskies would read his post? He posted it here (see the 1st paragraph) just he doesn't have to explain it every time again. It's not that Blueskies can't read it tommorow, or next week. Geez

I did read it btw, and I still don't know what to say. Some parts feel familiar, other parts are just strange things you or your friends did. It's always a shame if someone only knows "one side" of the story. I hope things work out for you anyway. I wish I could do more, but I guess you were not expecting more anyway.

[threefingeredguy]

Don't worry DarkAuron, in a few years, you can leave. It looks bad now, and it is, but there is always something good on the horizon. When it's time to go to college, just take out a loan and get the hell out of there. And remember, we still care about you here.

And feel free to come over anytime you want, you don't live too far from me.

[Andy_J]

I didn't have many friends in grade school or high school, either. I also was unable to drive. You sound like you are in a similar position to that which I was in (some key differences, of course). Without going into an autobiography, it was very similar for myself.

All I can say is wait until senior year in high school and see if things perk up a bit. But the biggest improvement for me was going to college. I made a lot more friends, and am having a much better time than I did at any point in high school.

[the_unknown_one]

Man, I NEED to talk to you. Get on IRC or unblock me on AIM (if you still have me blocked) so we can talk asap!

[dysfunction]

unknown_one: I hope you two can talk each other out of your depression.

[DJ_O]

I really dunno what to say about this... I knew you had life issues you mentionned on the forums and IRC sometimes but when I saw you on IRC yesterday started becoming worried and fear something might happens I knew about you being gay and your friend stuff and I understand how you can feel since when the relationship broke. But when I saw this topic this morning I decided to take all time I had to read all of it because I wanted to know what was going on.

What troubled me was your stuff at home with your parent fighting, this is incredible to see how selfish some people can be by doing that and never caring about how other people around feel and the damage it can cause to them. I was wondering if you were 18 yet, if so once you finish hi school maybe you should try moving to your appartement. Does USA has financial help to offer for students going to college who have their own appartement? Maybe that could help you to continue college without having to live into that disorder.

Please reconsider leaving us, you prbly have no idea of the support from some people in the community, even if we just hang online. It would be sad to see you go. You are a great guy and have given lot of support to the community

Also I'm sure in real life there ARE people who like you, if you did what we all fear right now it would be a big loss for lot of people near you and I'm sure some people here online would be very troubled to hear something that happened to a member of the community so please reconsider. If you want to take a break from the community(ies) feel free to take one (sometimes we need some) but please come back

If you ever need to talk on AIM feel free to IM me

In the community I always saw people saying that life problems should be put away from the community, i have to disagree with this. I know we need to not keep talking about them all the time in every post we make but sometimes I think it's better than true things are said. I myself went through very bad stuff in my life and some stuff that happened 8 years ago still causes me problems and trouble me today. Life issues can change people and cause permanent damages and sometimes we do stuff we regret afterward.

I really hope things go well for you DarkAuron

[threefingeredguy]

Kevin, he can get a student loan for college, anyone can. That's good too.

[DJ_O]

I c, cool to hear, I hope he reads this topic again and not leave. He partially triggered my come back to MC a week ago with the P.A collaboration thing along with tr1p1ea

[dysfunction]

DA, you make a very valuable contribution to the community. I very much hope you finish Project Dark and continue to deliver great things. If you are in need of support, drop me a line on IM (my sn is dYsFuNcTiOnz80), and I will be happy to talk to you.