I may not be here tomorrow...

Post by **CDI** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 1:06 am

I'm writing this to explain any abscenses I have had, or will have in the future as to not cause worrk. If anything was to happen to me I have very detailed instructions on how to contact everyone to let them know and take approprate actions.

I (as many of you should know) am very depressed, although I do not always show it, I am sad/depressed 99.9% of the time. In most cases people would get anti-depressants or see a shrink. I chose to reach out to the one community I feel that I belong in, this one. And they helped for the most part, a few more than others, and a few not at all, but as a total they kept me alive for a month and for that I am grateful. But alas I cannot sustain the activity I once could (see, summer of '05 for refrence) and as well, I cannot find the drive to program as much or as fast as I once could, I find myself in the same situation as xlibman, making the same things over and over because I do not know what to make, nor feel like making anything. I will always be active in some way/shape/form but not nearly as much (most of you have notices I'm sure that I do not resopnd as quickly, nor respond with as much as I used to) and I am also sorry to xlibman that I have to go through this at the same time you do, same goes for the entire community, I am truly sorry that I am doing this to you right after xlibman has.

I wouldn't worry about any of my pending projects, as most will be finished sometime, if not as quick as most of you would wish. But I'm sure you can understand my situation. And I am truly sorry, because in my head I have no rightful excuse for this. I can probably guess most (if not all) of you would disagree, but seeing what some of you have gone through, imho, my life has been a breeze, nice, enjoyable even! But it hasn't, in a nice way to put it, my emotions have been ripped to shreds and had the sh*t beat out of them with a mallet.

Even if in the end I do dicide to come back as a full time member of the commnity I do not think I'll have that spark I used to have nor the ability to program what I could. But that is to be expected. I am especially sorry to the newer people that they did not get to know me better, nor the happier me that inhabited the days of old, and I am sorry they have to go through all of this with people leaving. (I'm allowed to feel old in the community, 2.5 or so years is still long)

If I have caused any pain to anyone take this post to mean the best and to try and heal all old wounds, to those I have offended I am sorry in the fullest sense of the words. I am also sorry to anyone I have flamed, or on the offhand chance just plain pissed off. I am sorry to friends, as well as comrades. And most of all I am sorry to kalan_vod, xlibman, Darth Android, DarkAuron, tr1p1ea, and Merthsoft; you guys belived in me the most of the entire community.

I will stick around as long as possible, but for the time being consider me receeding...

currahee · Post by **currahee** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 2:10 am

Probably the best help you can get is from your family, if they're supportive. Aunts, Uncles, Parents are perfectly good forms of support and through that i've healed.
IMHO, seeing a Psychologist and poppin' pills is probably one of the worst forms of treatment. When I went to see 2 psychologists in the U.S. for my problem and my behavior they were saying things like, "Alright this whole mess is YOUR fault and not your dad's. Let's see what YOU need to do." It wasn't until I came here to Korea where I finally found a really good psychologist who viewed my problem at a neutral perspective. It's really a pain to find a good psychologist, you might have to go through 3 or 4 unfortunately. First tries may not even yield any results which is the worst part.
Reaching out to the community was a very good decision, it wasn't misguided. Things like depression do take time to heal. Maybe we should talk sometime? From my POV, depression is only temporary. It's a thick barrier but with time, eventually most people should be able to get past that thick barrier if they have the will to get past it. The only way to win is to fight and not lose. I'm sure that giving it a little more time (whatever your case may be) things will work themselves out. Everything requires time and care.
Lastly, you don't need to apologize. Why are you apologizing for not communicating when you have depression? You don't need to apologize and the community understands. We're all with you. Don't give up the fight!

dysfunction · Post by **dysfunction** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 2:24 am

currahee wrote:Probably the best help you can get is from your family, if they're supportive. Aunts, Uncles, Parents are perfectly good forms of support and through that i've healed.
IMHO, seeing a Psychologist and poppin' pills is probably one of the worst forms of treatment. When I went to see 2 psychologists in the U.S. for my problem and my behavior they were saying things like, "Alright this whole mess is YOUR fault and not your dad's. Let's see what YOU need to do." It wasn't until I came here to Korea where I finally found a really good psychologist who viewed my problem at a neutral perspective. It's really a pain to find a good psychologist, you might have to go through 3 or 4 unfortunately. First tries may not even yield any results which is the worst part.
Reaching out to the community was a very good decision, it wasn't misguided. Things like depression do take time to heal. Maybe we should talk sometime? From my POV, depression is only temporary. It's a thick barrier but with time, eventually most people should be able to get past that thick barrier if they have the will to get past it. The only way to win is to fight and not lose. I'm sure that giving it a little more time (whatever your case may be) things will work themselves out. Everything requires time and care.
Lastly, you don't need to apologize. Why are you apologizing for not communicating when you have depression? You don't need to apologize and the community understands. We're all with you. Don't give up the fight!

+1

Loki · Post by **Loki** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 2:25 am

Thats right. I'm with you 100%. I've been where you are, and thanks to DarkAuron ive never been happier. You just gotta find what works for you. Took me damn near 10 years, but i finlly found what worked, and it was totally worth it. Dont give up hope, cos it'll get betetr. You're young so you've got plenty of time to pull out of this.

threefingeredguy · Post by **threefingeredguy** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 2:38 am

Don't worry, we all have the patience to wait for the old XeroXscape to come back. Just keep trying. The best thing to do is to force yourself to participate in something where you have to interact with other people. Give yourself something to look forward to, and we'll see you when you get there

. You have our support.

kalan_vod · Post by **kalan_vod** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 3:00 am

Fred I am truely sadden from this, and I wish to help you in any way or form I can (you can still call me anytime, if you can get it to work). Like Kevin said the community wouldn't be the same if you left, as well as if Kevin left. I am not trying to hurt anyone, but if it wasn't for you, Kevin, DA, and tr1p1ea I would even be here. I know I didn't know you for a long time, but I feel we have had some great times. Hey if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have made a good version of minesweeper! I hope you can figure this out, but if you can't I will help you along with Kevin and a few others. Heck if you needed an intervention we would do one on IRC!

As you not thinking you contributed anything to the community, your dead wrong! You just being here not making any programs is helping the community. If you and Kevin left then I don't see myself doing much anymore if any, hell I might end up leaving...I know you will get through this, as a month ago you were going to end it all but we were able to help you stay around a month more! And I think we could get you to stay longer if you were to allow us that chance.

As I told Kevin, we can't make decisions for you though we wish we could. And I know for a fact that what ever you decide to do will be the best thing for you, as long as it isn't harmfull to you lossing your life. If you take a break from the community that would be ok, but I hope you don't leave for long. Please reconsider anything you plan on doing to harm yourself!

I Love you like a brother and I couldn't and wouldn't want to see you dissappear!

necro · Post by **necro** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 3:59 am

I to have had to fight with depression, it aint easy. As already mentioned, the best way to fight depression is to fnd support and and find any and everything you can that helps. In the life thread, I posted some treatment methods...you may want to look at them and you have my support.

Post by **tr1p1ea** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 4:58 am

Hey CDI, you dont have to be sorry for anything man. No matter what you do, we will always support you.

Depression is a damn thing ... I wish that somehow i could just abolish it all together. I hate to see my friends fall victim, it is very upsetting.

Regardless of your actions, you know that i am always available for a chat, or even just to be an ear and listen. I can be reached here, on IRC and via email. Drop us a line whenever you feel the need.

Arcane WIzard · Post by **Arcane WIzard** » Thu 02 Mar, 2006 9:30 am

This community and any of it's expactations are infinitely inferior to your own personal health.

Shadow Phoenix · Post by **Shadow Phoenix** » Fri 03 Mar, 2006 4:02 am

since every time I try to say something helpfull it hurts people, I will just quote the following and it truly goes from my heart completly.

kalan_vod wrote:
I Love you like a brother and I couldn't and wouldn't want to see you dissappear!

Post by **Patori** » Fri 03 Mar, 2006 4:34 am

Shadow Phoenix wrote:since every time I try to say something helpfull it hurts people, I will just quote the following and it truly goes from my heart completly.

kalan_vod wrote:
I Love you like a brother and I couldn't and wouldn't want to see you dissappear!

ditto.

the_unknown_one · Post by **the_unknown_one** » Fri 03 Mar, 2006 1:56 pm

Man, I know what you're going through... Just keep hanging on... I've seen you make some awesome BASIC stuff already and when talking to you on IRC I've had some great fun, you're a good guy, you can pull through this... Whenever you're feeling bad, just come to talk to me or one of your other friends at #tcpa, we're there for you man. And about the last posts: ditto.

Post by **CDI** » Tue 07 Mar, 2006 8:53 pm

Well, I'll have you all know I have gotten better (with more help from Darth Android than anything) and, while I am not "better" so to speak, I am. I am however, fine at this moment, I know why too o.- though, so maybe I can keep it going. I however could not hurt myself in conventional ways (kinda low tolerance for pain sometimes) so that's good. I do however thank you all for listening to me and for trying to help.

kalan_vod · Post by **kalan_vod** » Tue 07 Mar, 2006 11:19 pm

Your welcome and I am glad you are fine. I on the other hand am starting to not want to work with calcs atm and not have anything to do with the community.

Post by **CDI** » Wed 08 Mar, 2006 12:49 am

we need to talk, VERY SOON